Pearl Harbor and The Real World
by Kitty Kat
Summary: Funny parody of the Real World and Pearl Harbor. Rated R for language.
1. Episode 1

The Cast of Pearl Harbor do a Season of The Real World  
A/N: Aww, man I don't even watch The Real World anymore. The show bites and needs some spark.  
  
Cast: Josh Hartnett, Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale, Cuba Gooding Jr., Alec Baldwin, James King, Krysta McCawley.  
  
Josh: This is the true story  
Ben: of some fucking idiots  
Kate: that all gather in a house  
Cuba: and make a movie  
Alec: and try to live together  
James: even when creepy old guys hit on them  
Everyone: ALEC!  
Krysta(Rafe's little sister): They needed another girl.  
  
"Shaniqua" plays in background.   
Josh: Is Shaniqua there? HELL NO!  
  
Ben: Shut up, Beavis.  
  
Alec(sobbing): You called us fucking idiots, Ben!  
  
Ben: The nice nice people that brought us Britney Spears and NSYNC at MTV told me to.  
  
Krysta: Am I real?  
  
Kate: No. You are Rafe's little sister who falls in love with Danny Walker, but they are all fictious characters. The author just needed another girl.  
  
Krysta: That makes a lot of sense. But do I have to wear these clothes? (the camera pans over her 1930's ensemble)  
  
James: I guess I'm the only one who would look good in that.  
  
Cuba: And you dated Kid Rock.   
  
James: Transitional period. Will the creepy old guy stop staring at me like that? I feel like that girl in American Beauty, for God's sake!  
  
Josh: Mena Suvari? She's hot.  
  
Ben: She's married.  
  
Josh: Really? (starts laughing for no reason)   
  
Ben: Beavis, what the hell is your problem?  
  
Josh: They gave us an apple pie. (bursts out laughing again)   
  
Ben: Okay. Right.  
  
Josh(stops laughing abruptly): Alec, stop looking at the apple pie. STOP IT. I know you were a little obsessed with the movie but, COME ON.  
  
Confession Room thing:  
  
Cuba(stands and looks into the camera): Is this thing on? (Some guy tells him it is on) Okay. Anyway they tell me to talk about my roommates. They suck. They ain't any other brothers man! (stops ghetto voice) No, I said a double latte with extra foam.   
  
Josh: WE...AIN'T...GOIN'...NOWHERE... WE CAN'T BE STOPPED NOW...CUZ WE BAD BOYS FOR LIFE. MTV RULES!   
  
Ben: All these fucking idiots are fucking retards. I won a God damned oscar for God's sake! (some guy whispers in his ear) I don't care it's all going to be fucking bleeped out anyway!  
  
Kate: I just feel like, such an outsider! (starts crying and guy comes to comfort her) It's alright. I'm good, I'm calm. But they all go and talk about things like music and stuff and when I try to join the conversation, they call me a prissy rich bitch!  
  
James: So, Kate is all "was Kid Rock good in bed?" Now what the fuck is her problem? The prissy little rich bitch.  
  
Alec: Man, James is hot.  
  
Krysta: Oh my God, I just saw this totally His-Hot guy on tv. I'm all who is he? And now they all be like Justin Timberlake. He's so hot. I wanna marry him. MARRY ME, JUSTIN!  
  
Back to the set:  
  
Josh: It's a puppy!  
  
Puppy runs around the room. Alec: Why is the thing sniffing my ass?  
  
Ben: Because you are A FUCKING ASSHOLE.  
  
Kate: Let's name him Arthur!  
  
Everyone looks at Kate who is smiling like an idiot.  
  
James: So Lucky it is!  
  
Josh is throwing the newspaper around the room.  
  
Cuba: Joshy Darling, what's the matter?  
  
Josh: THE DAMN COMICS ARE MISSING. (Batter Up comes blaring through the speakers.) Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill, took a whole lotta trying just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the BIG LEAGUES, it's our turn at bat. Just as long as we're living, it's Lunatics Playa, there ain't nuttin wrong wit that!  
  
Cuba: Sweety, what is that song?  
  
Ben: YOU FUCKING RETARD. YOU ACT GHETTO AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW A SONG BY NELLY! A FUCKING THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL KNOWS THAT FUCKED UP SONG!  
  
Cuba: Who's Nelly?  
  
Krysta: Where's Justin? HE'S SO HOT!  
  
Ben(calmed down a bit): Who told her about NSYNC? (walks over to the cameraman) Was it you? You wanted her to be a teenybopper, didn't you? You wanted to FUCK her, didn't you?  
  
Cameraman: No.  
  
Ben: Krysta, Justin Timberlake is ugly. U-G-L-Y, he ain't got no alliby he ugly ya ya he ugly.  
  
Josh: Swing batta batta, swing batta batta, BATTER UP!  
  
Alec: I want what he's on.  
  
Phone rings. Josh picks it up.  
  
Josh: SHANIQUA DON'T LIVE HERE NO MORE.  
He hangs up the phone.  
  
Kate: Who was that?  
  
Josh: Michael Bay.  
  
Ben: YOU FUCKING RETARD! THAT WAS THE FUCKING DIRECTOR OF THE FUCKING FILM THAT IS GOING TO FUCKING MAKE YOU FUCKING FAMOUS.  
  
James: He's been talking to Kevin Smith again, hasn't he?  
  
Confessional:  
  
Krysta: Okay, Britney Spears is such a bitch. She stole my man, I mean what the fuck is up with that?  
  
Cuba: I'm searching for meaning in my life. If I weren't a celebrity, would you be so nice to me?  
  
Ben: So Cuba and Krysta are all obsessed with NSYNC now.  
  
James: I walked in the living room and Alec was watching American Pie. The strange thing was, there was an apple pie on the table. Josh swears he didn't touch it.  
  
Josh: I AIN'T HAPPY, I'M FEELING GLAD. I'VE GOT SUNSHINE IN A BAG. I'M USELESS, BUT NOT FOR LONG. MY FUTURE IS COMING ON, IS COMING ON, IS COMING ON...  
  
Kate: I feel like we're all in high school and they've formed a clique they didn't let me be in. Six against one. That's not fair.  
  
Alec(laughing incontrollably): Apple pie. FUN!  
  
Back to the set:  
  
Josh: Okay only the cool people get to go to the club. So that would be James, Ben, and me. Have fun being useless members of society!  
  
Kate: Ya, okay ya'all!  
  
Ben: Right, whatever.  
  
They go to the club. And come back.  
  
Cuba: So, did you have fun?  
  
Josh: JAMES AND I DID NOT MAKE OUT. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE US! James, I think we should be civilized a-dults and go sleep in the same bed WITHOUT MAKING OUT.  
  
Ben: So what did you guys do?  
  
Kate: I taught them all how to play Euchre!  
  
Ben: And another name to add to the list of fucking retards.  
  
Alec: What? We actually did something while American Pie was on? I didn't notice.  
  
Confessional:  
  
Ben: I don't get paid enough.  
  
Josh: Okay, so like James is sort of hot in a REALLY UGLY sort of way. That means we didn't make out.  
  
James: No. Josh Hartnett and James King are not dating, nor did we date in the past, nor did we make out on the night of Febuary 21st.  
  
Krysta: NSYNC was on Leno. Man, I taped it and watched it like 50 million times.   
  
Alec: I heard that they are coming out with a sequel to American Pie. I think it will be called American Pie 2. Cool, huh?  
  
Kate: Don't we have jobs or something? No, okay.  
  
Cuba: I'm only a man in a funny red sheet. Looking for special things inside of me.  
  



	2. Episode 2

Pearl Harbor and The Real World  
Sequel  
  
A/N: Come on, you know you like PH cast member humor.  
P.S. Seriously thinking of having Jay and Silent Bob. I haven't seen any of those movies, lol. But I am renting Dogma tonight and me and a bunch of my friends are seeing Strike Back in a few days.  
  
Scene: Cuba, Josh, Ben, Kate, James, Alec all on the Pearl set.  
  
Cuba: Where's darling Krysta?  
  
Kate: She said she sneezed this morning and had to stay home.  
  
James: NSYNC was on TRL today. Is that a coincidence?  
  
Jerry: I will not tolerate that. We will cut out her part and she will not work for us, understood?  
  
Cuba: Why? Poor Krysta dear.  
  
(Jerry shakes his head and mumbles under his breath): I always get the gay ones.  
  
Josh: H to the IZZ-O, V to the IZZ-A.  
  
Ben: These fucked up retards.  
  
Josh: Yo Jay-Z bro, when you gonna visit the crib man? I know Cuba probably scares the shit out of you, he does that to a lotta peeps. But come on bro, the house ain't that scary!  
  
Kate: I've got a crush on you, I hope you feel the way that I do.  
  
Josh: What white girl shit are you singing?  
  
Kate: It's Mandy Moore. She is so talented and real. Not like Christina Aguilera. (that is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves when someone says that Jessica-Mandy-Christina-Britney is different than one of the other ones. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.)  
  
Alec: I like it. I've got...a crush on...you. I hope you...feel the way...that I do.  
  
Ben: Jerry, do you have any real guns around here?  
  
Jerry: Real? No. But I agree with you.  
  
Josh: Dude! It's 4:45! We gotta watch TRL!  
  
Cuba: Josh darling, I thought you didn't like that show.  
  
Josh: No man! It's got some great music. Puffy, Jay-Z, Sum 41, Alien Ant Farm, Little T and One Track Mike. Awesome shit, man.  
  
Cuba: Okey dokey Josh baby!  
  
(Josh turns on TV)  
  
James: Isn't that Krysta?  
  
Sure enough, Krysta is standing there with a huge sign that reads "I WANT TO BE MRS. NSYNC!"   
  
Ben: God, help us all. Help all the fucking retards that clog our country. Hell, help all the fucking retards that clog our house!  
  
Carson Daly: I like your sign. What's your name?  
  
Krysta: Oh my God, am I on TRL?  
  
Carson: Yes.  
  
Krysta: Hi, I'm Krysta! Oh my God, is NSYNC here?  
  
Carson: Um, yea.  
  
Krysta: Oh crap, what if Josh sees this? What if Jerry sees this? I'M DEAD!  
  
Carson: Who's Josh and Jerry?  
  
Krysta: Josh Hartnett, he likes this show.  
  
Josh: THAT'S ME!  
  
Krysta: and Jerry Brukheimer is making the movie I am in!  
  
Carson: Josh Hartnett? Like the teen flick guy?  
  
Krysta: Dunno. He's just this guy that lives with me. But so does Ben, Cuba, Alec, Kate, and James.   
  
Carson: Do these people have last names?  
  
Krysta: Ben Affleck, Cuba Gooding Jr., Alec Baldwin, Kate Beckinsale, James King.  
  
Carson(looking like he hit the lottery): You live with these people? (thinks for a minute) You're on the Real World, aren't you?  
  
Krysta: Yea.  
  
Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, this was not planned. It just goes to show you what can happen on a live show.  
  
Krysta: Where's NSYNC?  
  
Carson: And after this video, NSYNC!  
  
Sum 41 comes on the screen.  
  
Josh: I DON'T WANNA WASTE MY TIME, BECOME ANOTHER CASUALTY OF SOCIETY!  
  
Ben: Shut him the hell up.  
  
Josh: Sorry.  
  
James: So, Krysta's out, right?   
  
Jerry: That little bitch. Going off to New York in the middle of shooting!  
  
Kate: Oh my Gosh Carson is so hot!  
  
Alec: Hey, ain't that the girl who used to live with us? (he points at screen)  
  
Ben: Yes, you fucking bitch! (Cuba giggles) Who do you think we were talking about.  
  
Cuba: Sh, she's talking.  
  
Krysta: Hi, Justin. I'm like so your biggest fan EVER!  
  
Justin: Yo, watch u talkin bout? Britney said she was my biggest fan! That girl has a RACK!  
  
Alec: Damn straight.  
  
Joey: What about me?  
  
Krysta: You're fat.  
  
Joey: I am not fat! I'm skinnily challenged. Right Lance?  
  
Lance(who was checking out Joey's ass): What? Skinnily challenged? Right.  
  
Cuba: Oh my God. I think I found my soulmate! (gets out cell phone)  
  
Krysta(cell phone rings): Hello?  
  
Cuba: Ask Lance if he'll go out with me.  
  
Krysta: Um, okay. Lance, do you know Cuba Gooding Jr.?  
  
Lance(giggles): Yes.  
  
Krysta whispers in Lance's ear.  
  
Lance: Oh my Gosh yes! Yes yes yes!  
  
Krysta(in to cell phone): Uh, he said yes.  
  
Cuba: OH MY GOSH! NO WAY! I need a new outfit and a Gucci handbag! Oh, no time, no time! (runs off set).  
  
Krysta: Moving on.   
  
Chris: Why is no one MY biggest fan?  
  
Krysta: Might be the wheelchair races you participate in.  
  
Chris: WHEELCHAIR RACES RULE!  
  
Krysta: Justin, call me! Okay! I love you!  
  
Justin: Who dat?   
  
JC: I was gonna marry Bobby but I got high. I was gonna be Mr. Bobby but I got high. Now I'm a depressed ass and I think you know why. Cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high.  
  
Another Girl: OH MY GOSH, JC I WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILD!  
  
Joey: Why doesn't anyone want to have my child? Oh, TWINKIES!  
  
Carson: And now we all know why NSYNC sucks. It's because they got high. Later.  
  
TRL signs off.  
  
Josh: That was interesting.  
  
Ben: Who are the fucked up retards that run that show?  
  
Alec: I got a girl waiting for me. I'm leaving.  
  
Ben: Going home.  
  
Josh: Me too.  
  
Kate: MANDY MOORE CONCERT TONIGHT!  
  
Cuba(reenters the set): Did someone say Mandy Moore?  
  
James: Uh, Ben. Wait up!  
  
They all leave.  
  
Jerry: There goes my blockbuster hit. 


	3. Episode 3

Pearl Harbor and The Real World  
Episode Three  
  
A/N: Saw Dogma. Period.  
  
New characters:  
Jay: from all the Kevin Smith movies thing  
Matt: Matt Damon  
Chris: Chris Rock  
Christina: Oh yea. Christina Aguilera. Just watch where I go with this.  
  
The doorbell rang and Josh jumped up to answer it.   
  
Josh: Who the fuck are you?  
  
Kate: Josh, don't cuss. Oh, you're hot.  
  
Jay: The fat bitch? Do you want to fuck us?  
  
Kate: No!  
  
Jay: I'll take head.  
  
Ben: Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.  
  
Matt: BEN!  
  
Ben: Oh fuck fuck fuck!  
  
Josh: Did I miss something?  
  
Matt: Why hello little boy. How are you today?  
  
James: Matt! What are you doing here?  
  
Josh: You're the fucked up one in that movie with that hot person.  
  
Ben(smiling): I dated that hot person. Wait, no. FUCK FUCK FUCK!  
  
Matt: James! I haven't seen you in forever! (they hug)  
  
Josh: Woah, stop hitting on my girl, assdick!  
  
Matt: Please say you aren't dating him, James.  
  
James: I'm not dating him.  
  
Matt: And Ben. Benny boy! Why is this what all of your new friends are like? You don't call, you don't write, you don't fax, you don't e-mail, you don't two way message...  
  
Ben: Would you shut the hell up? Don't you have a male lover to make out with or something?  
  
Matt: HOW DARE YOU, BEN! You know I am straight as an arrow!  
  
Josh: More like as bent as a pencil in water.  
  
Kate: Actually the pencil just appears to be bent. In actuality, it never changes shape!  
  
James: Kate, you'll never believe this but NO ONE CARES!  
  
Jay: Whose gonna fuck me!  
  
Matt: James, darling. How long has it been? One...two months at least!  
  
James(smiling): Matt, I want to show you something. Um, some pictures.  
  
Matt(bursts out laughing): From the boat?  
  
Josh: I don't like where this is going.  
  
James: Josh, we aren't dating.  
  
Josh: Well you sure as hell ain't dating some gay lawyer from New York City.  
  
Matt: I am a STRAIGHT ACTOR.  
  
Josh: Actor? Even worse.  
  
James: YOU'RE AN ACTOR.  
  
Chris Rock: I hosted an MTV VMA awards show! People LOVE ME! They worship the ground I walk on! Why should you care? BECAUSE I AM YOUR GOD!  
  
Ben: Shut up you were in Dogma with the rest of us.  
  
Josh: STYX RULES!  
  
Alec: RIGHT ON! Where's my bitch?  
  
Christina(walking out of bedroom in a short nightie): Alec! All the people woke me up! You know I sleep in late when I stay up to watch SNL. (giggles) Oh my goodness! It's Matt Damon! Can I have your autograph?  
  
Ben: ALEC! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!  
  
Alec: You aren't the only one with a bitch, Ben.  
  
Ben: Matt, it's not true.  
  
Matt(standing with a finger pointed at Ben and his mouth dropped): You betrayed Gwenny!   
  
Ben: Matt, you were the one sleeping with her.  
  
James(gasping): Not Matt!  
  
Matt: It was before I met you.  
  
James: Oh, that explains it.  
  
*****************************************************************************************************************  
Confessional  
  
Josh: That bastard Matt. I'm gonna get him.   
  
James: Matt and I. Me and Matt. James and Matt. Oh goodness! Not to go all Jessica Simpson on you but I think I'm in love with him!  
  
Cuba: So Lance and I went to this pier and he kissed me! HE KISSED ME! I feel weak. Must-go-shopping.  
  
Ben: Fucking jackasses. All of them. I thought James might actually pass a normal person, then she goes with Matt. It's not that I'm jealous. I feel weak. I might go shopping with Cuba.  
  
Alec: Chrissy and I are really hitting it off! She's seen American Pie five times already! And this one time, in my bedroom...  
  
Kate: So a bunch of people showed up today. I feel more like an outsider. I HAVE A TWO YEAR OLD. I don't think my bf can babysit her for much longer.  
  
Krysta: I'm not in the movie anymore, but I'm still in the house. You know Justin? Well he told me to call Nick from the Backstreet Boys, so I did. Then Nick brought me to Aaron, his little brother. Then Aaron, I thought he liked me, ya know? So I asked him if he'd take me to the movies. So he did, right? But he wouldn't sit with me! I felt like the biggest idiot. Sitting there in Spy Kids all alone. So frightened and alone.  
  
*****************************************************************************************************************  
  
Next week on The Real World:  
  
Ben and Kate: more than just friends?  
James and Josh: more than just friends?  
Alec and Britney: more than just friends?  
James and Matt: rocky roads ahead?  
Alec and Christina: rocky roads ahead?  
Lance and Cuba on shopping!  
  
Clips:  
  
Cuba: Oh Lance! Wouldn't this Prada look amazing on Kate? ohhhh, do tell!  
  
Sorry due to techincal difficulties, we brought you the wrong clip. 


	4. Episode 4

Pearl Harbor and the Real World  
Episode Four  
  
James: This whole camera shit is getting annoying.  
  
Kate: Agreed.  
  
Krysta: Why no Justin? NSYNC! HAHA. Teenybopping is the only way to go!  
  
Josh: What the fuck?  
  
  
**********************************************************************  
Confessional:  
  
Josh: What the fuck?  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Ben: This has the makings of a fucked up movie.  
  
Alec: How many fucked up movies have you made, Ben?  
  
Ben: None. I AM A GOD! I have an Oscar.  
  
Josh: ME TOO!  
  
Kate: Josh, you don't have an Oscar.  
  
Josh: I HAVE AN OSCAR MEYER WWWEEEEIIIIINNNNNEEEEERRRRR!  
  
James: Right. Anyway, Matt and I broke up.  
  
Ben: Why? Not that I care...  
  
James: Because I saw him making out with you.  
  
Ben: You saw that? DOH!  
  
Josh: So, James, you're single now?  
  
James: JOSH! I'm on the rebound. PUHLEASE. People on the rebound go for LOOKS. Not for people like you.  
  
Josh: I HAVE LOOKS! I have great looks. (goes over to the mirror) You sexy bitch, you.  
  
James: Oh right. I thought I was talking to Ben. Geez, sorry Josh. You wanna take me to get REALLY drunk?  
  
Josh: SCORE!  
  
Ben: HEY! I have looks too!  
  
James: I do not consider face asses cool, Ben!  
  
Josh: Yea Ben, no butt chins.  
  
*Josh and James leave so James can get REALLY drunk*  
  
Kate: So, Ben.  
  
Ben: Yea?  
  
Kate: You're not seriously gay, are you?  
  
Ben: Hell no!  
  
Kate: I like face asses.   
  
*Ben walks over to the mirror* Ben: I DON'T HAVE A FACE ASS!  
  
Kate: Right. But if you did, it would be really cute on you.  
  
Ben: Are you hitting on me?  
  
Kate: Maybe.  
  
Ben: You wanna go make out?  
  
Kate *giggles* : Sure!  
  
Alec: Christina is waiting for me.   
  
Cuba: What're you gonna do?  
  
Alec: Watch American Pie again.  
  
Cuba: Right. Silly of me for asking. *Alec leaves* Krysta, you don't need a babysitter or anything, right?  
  
Krysta: Go shopping with Lance! TELL HIM I AM OVER JUSTY WUSTY! The hot little bastard.  
  
Cuba: Right. Thanks Kay.  
  
*Cuba leaves*  
  
*Krysta watches NSYNC on MTV*  
  
**********************************************************************  
Confessional:  
  
Krysta: Haha. I'm over Justin. RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT.  
  
Cuba: Lance and I are gonna be life partners. WOWSERS! We're going looking for a gown tomorrow.  
  
Ben: Heh. Kate's a good, uh, kisser.  
  
Kate: Ben is sooo sweet. My boyfriend, who will remain nameless and faceless, and I are no longer together. *Kate breaks down sobbing*  
  
Josh: James is hot when she's drunk.  
  
James: Josh is sooo silly! So are you Mr. Cameraman Dankerman! Hehe. I think I'm gonna stick a flower in my hair!  
  
Alec: You know that part of American Pie that the girl is all... You know what I'm talking 'bout.  
  
Josh: Hey, it's me again! I just wanted to know what do you do with a drunken sailor?  
Cameraman: Hey, what's this fag doing? *throws Josh out of the confessional* That's better.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Josh, James, Ben, Alec, Cuba, and Kate walk onto the set.  
  
Michael Bay and Jerry somethingheimer are standing chit chatting about Titanic and how Pearl Harbor is much, much better than Titanic.  
  
Josh, James, Ben, Alec, Cuba, and Kate all stand there as the two men talk.   
  
Josh: Yo, Mr. Bay dude! We ready for work!  
  
Mike: They didn't get the memo.  
  
Jerry: Of course not. Their stupid idiots!  
  
James*still recovering from the previous night*: Oh! We're supposed to be going to England today!  
  
Kate: ENGLAND? REALLY?  
  
Jerry: Uh, yea. James, what happened?  
  
James: They forgot and I got drunk...  
  
Mike: Okay, fine. But don't miss your plane. MTV would never forgive us.  
  
*cameraman turns the camera on himself and nods like an asshole*  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
What will happen in England?  
Will Josh and James become a couple?  
Kate visits her home.  
Ben, Cuba, Krysta, and Alec all go to a soccer game.  
SOCCER!   
I hope you know how much I hate soccer. This should be fun. 


	5. Episode 5

Pearl Harbor and the Real World  
Episode: Five  
  
A/N: AHHHH! All the reviews for my "dramatic" stories are sucky! Except for Sara's. SARA RULES!  
  
James looked around the room after waking up. James: Josh?  
  
Josh: Yea?  
  
James: What the hell happened last night?  
  
Josh: We got drunk and married.  
  
James: MARRIED? WHAT?  
  
Josh: I thought you knew.  
  
James: Oh fuck damn piss shit bitch ASS!  
  
Josh(writing on a piece of paper): Can you repeat those?  
  
James: Mrs. Josh Hartnett. I couldn't at least have gotten a decent guy. *sighs*   
  
Josh: Well *tries to put his middle finger up and fails* Anyway, just fuck you. I've had like *thinks hard* five marriage purposals!  
  
James: Anyway...  
  
Ben comes strutting into their hotel room, obviously drunk. Ben: WWWWAAASSSSSSSSSUUUUPPPPP?  
  
Josh: WWWWAAASSSSSSSSSUUUUPPPPP?  
  
James*sighs*: Men...  
  
Kate walks in behind Ben with her lipstick smeared and her clothes and hair a wreck. James: What happened to you?  
  
Kate: Ben and I went dancing last night.  
  
Ben: That's clubbing, bitch!  
  
Kate*giggling*: Right, hon.   
  
James: Kate, I need to talk to you. *she pulls Kate outside* I'm married to Josh.  
  
Kate: What?  
  
James: You heard me.  
  
Kate: What? When? WHY WAS I NOT INVITED?  
  
James: I don't know what you mean by what, last night, and because WE WERE DRUNK!  
  
Kate: Oh dear...  
  
**********************************************************************  
Confessional:  
  
Kate: So like we were in England and stuff, ya know? And I saw my family and Ben was such a sweetie. Oh, I saw my ex. Told him off.  
  
Josh: So like you know that hot James chick I was dating? Turns out we're married. Wow, right? I know, I'm damn sexy. GOD, WHY DID YOU MAKE ME SO DAMN SEXY? I'M SO DAMN IRRESISTABLE. It's a curse...  
  
Ben: Kate's kinda hot, you know? Right? Someone tell me she's hot so I can feel good about this whole Kate and me decision. Sure, she isn't Gwenyth, but no one is. Except for Gweny.  
  
Krysta: Justin doesn't live in England. I don't see why we had to come here. All the guys play soccer, which they call, get this, FOOTBALL! I was like NO YOU DIDN'T!  
  
Cuba: Oh Gucci handbags! Lancey pooh came yesterday just to pop in and say 'howdy doodle!' I was sooo happy!   
  
Alec: Chrissy is living really close. She's all like hot and stuff. Ya know? I saw this really shiny, sparkly ring in this window...  
  
James: I, James King, am married to Josh Hartnett. This is almost as depressing as that time that I found out that James was a boys' name.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Krysta, Kate, Ben, Cuba, Lance, Christina, and Alec all go to a soccer game. Which they call football. I don't know the teams, so don't press it.  
  
Krysta: Hotties in uniform!  
  
Kate: Wait, no. I'm sorry, but you CANNOT under ANY curcumstances date a soccer player.  
  
Christina: Especially if he's British and calls it football.  
  
Kate: Chris, are you making fun of England?  
  
Christina: Hell no! What are you on?  
  
Alec: Chrissy, Katherine, stop fighting.  
  
Kate: The name, is Kate. Thank you very much.  
  
Ben: So this is soccer? All they do is kick it one way, someone kicks it the other way, they run down to the other end, then repeat the process. We've been here for over an hour, and I have yet to see a goal get scored.  
  
Lance: You most likely won't. The game is 95% defense. Most games are decided by penalty kicks.  
  
Ben: And you know this, how?  
  
Lance: I studied English football last night. On the net. Gosh, there's a lot of people who don't like this game.  
  
Ben: I don't blame them.  
  
Cuba: My Lancesey's so smart!  
  
*They kiss*  
  
Ben: Get a room.   
  
Krysta: Wow, Ben's in a pleasant mood today.  
  
Ben: Shut up, you teenybopper.  
  
Krysta: I was being serious! I mean, you could have very well said 'get a fucking room.' But you didn't. Benjamin Geza Affleck, you're my hero!  
  
Christina*laughing*: Your middle name is Geza?  
  
Ben: Whatchu gonna do about it, you pop sell out?  
  
Christina*stands and faces him*: NO...YOU...DIDN'T!  
  
Ben: I think I did!  
  
Football fans: Sit down! WE MISSED THAT PASS, YOU JACKASSES!  
  
Alec: Christina, I think we better go.  
  
*Alec and Christina leave. The gang sit in silence.*  
  
Kate: Why didn't James and Josh come?  
  
Cuba: They're having marital difficulties.  
  
Kate: Oh.  
  
Krysta: How boring is this?  
  
Ben: The most boring thing I've ever seen in my life. Can we leave?  
  
Kate: Thank God, I thought you'd never ask.   
  
*They all leave.*  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Ben: So, you're like, really, staying married?  
  
James: Guess so.  
  
Kate: Are you out of your bloody minds?  
  
Josh: English is such a HARD language to understand.  
  
Cuba: You are willing to stay legally bound to *raises Josh's arm and lets it fall back down to his side* this man for the rest of your life?  
  
James *sighs*: I guess so.  
  
Krysta: Can I be the first to leak it to the Inquirer?  
  
Kate throws down an American copy of the National Inquirer with Josh and James on the cover on the table. They all look at her strangely.  
  
Kate: Hey, you aren't the only ones with connections.  
  
James: I'll announce it to the press on Monday, then. *James leaves*  
  
Josh: Wow, so I'm like Mr. James King?  
  
Ben: You jackass.  
  
*They all leave Josh trying to figure out his new title now that he is married* 


	6. Episode 6

Pearl Harbor and the Real World  
Episode Six  
  
Note to JHABABAAF: What are you on, first of all? Dang! Anyway my friend and I say no you didn't all the time. We even have the no you didn't awards of the week. The no you didn't sport of the week always goes to soccer. We have sooo much fun dissing soccer. Her brother and my brother are both on THE worst soccer team ever. So not only do we go to the games and get bored just because it's soccer, but the team NEVER scores on top of it. *sigh* And I know you're Sara, you know you're Sara, and now everyone knows you're Sara.  
Yea, thanks for the marriage idea.  
  
P.S. The name is Katie/Kate. Yea, I know, I have the same name as the devil. *See What Really Happened Behind the Scenes of Pearl Harbor*  
  
Kate: BASTARD!  
  
Ben: BITCH!  
  
Josh*walks into the room with James*: WWWWAAAASSSSSSUUUUUUPPPPP?  
  
Kate: Ben broke up with me. And I'm going back to MICHAEL!   
  
Ben: Fine. You aren't Gwenyth anyway!  
  
James: Not this again.  
  
Josh: Is he like obsessed with that Gwen person or something?  
  
James: Yea, hun.  
  
Kate: Hun. I wish I could call someone hun. I LEFT MY BOYFRIEND FOR YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!  
  
Cuba and Lance come frolocking in carrying Gucci handbags and about three shopping bags each.  
  
Lance: I heard yelling.  
  
Cuba: Aww, what's the matter, sweetie? Did Ben leave you again?  
  
Kate: Again? What do you mean by again?  
  
Cuba: Nothing. Hey, Lance, play that funky music white boy! *the two belt out the lyrics to the Wild Cherry song.*  
  
They leave and Krysta comes in.  
  
Krysta: I saw Aaron. He asked me out.  
  
Kate: Listen, missy. I am in the middle of a HUGE crisis. NO ONE cares who or what asked you out. Or why. Or what you said. Just LEAVE!  
  
Krysta: Someone's PMSing.  
  
Kate: I am, but that has nothing to do with this.  
  
Krysta shrugs and leaves.  
  
Alec carries Christina in. She's wearing a white bridal gown.  
  
Ben: Not again...  
  
Christina: WE'RE MARRIED!  
  
Josh: No you didn't!  
  
Kate: This is not bloody happening to me!  
  
Josh: So, wait. Christina, Alec, James, and me all got married.  
  
Christina: Not to each other, silly!  
  
James: I think he knows four people can't all be married to one another. Thanks, but I can take care of my man.  
  
Josh: James, Christina, no fighting over me. Anyway Lance and Cuba are life partners and Ben and Kate broke up.  
  
Kate: You don't have to rub it in!  
  
Josh: And Krysta is dating some pop singer?  
  
Christina: Don't make fun of the pop singers! Lance is a pop singer!  
  
Alec: So are you, sweetie.  
  
Christina: Oh, right. I almost forgot...  
  
James: What's your point, Josh?  
  
Josh: I just don't get you people. Ben, who is Gwenyth?  
  
Ben*like in a trance*: Gwenyth Kate Paltrow was born on September 28, 1972 to Bruce Paltrow and Blythe Danner. She has dated Brad Pitt and me and liked me better. She was in Shakespere in Love and Bounce with me. And a bunch of other crocka shit movies.  
  
Kate: She even has the same middle name as my first, you perv.  
  
Ben: That was the reason I went out with you!  
  
Kate*storms out and slams the door*  
  
Josh: That was kinda awesome. Just like that show I watched that one time because I lost the remote. What was it? Days of your lives or sumtin or other...  
  
Ben: Asshole *walks out and slams the door*  
  
Josh: What did I do?  
  
James: I think those soccer balls hitting you in the head is finally catching up with you.  
  
Josh: Awww, that's what my mommy said would happen. I had to play football in high school. I still like soccer. Hey, James, I just had, like, a really good idea!  
  
James*annoyed*: What?  
  
Josh: Let's go to a soccer game!  
  
James*thoughtfully*: Hmmm.... All right.   
  
Josh: Goody!  
  
Updated: 10/11/01  
A/N: WOW! Okay, so I'm back. I saw Serendipity today. Kate Beckinsale actually DID NOT GET ON MY NERVES. I was like OMG! We didn't have school, so my friend and I went. It was like us and a bunch of old people. We gave the movie a standing-O at the end just to annoy the old people. It worked, :). ERG I hate my science class. I'm gonna make a fic about science class just to piss people off. Anyway, I'm looking forward to dissing soccer some more in this fic. Man, it's really fun. Okay, I better stop writing or something bad might happen. YOU MIGHT GET BORED.  
  
Shout out to JHABABAAF and Josh Hartnett's Girl.  
  
JHG: Hey, I saw your poem. I agree. Man, we gotta get people to come back to the PH section. LONG LIVE JOSH HARTNETT, PEARL HARBOR FAN FICTION! 


	7. Episode 7: The Grand Finale

Pearl Harbor and The Real World  
Episode Seven  
  
The doorbell rang at one of the doors at the spacious mansion the selfish actors shared. "Can someone get that?" Ben yelled. He waited a few minutes and many more rings from the doorbell before he grumbled, "Fine! I'll get it! ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE SELFISH ANYWAYS!"  
  
He stood up and swung the door open. He was left speechless.  
  
"Benjamin, darling! It's been what? Five, ten days since your last letter or e-mail begging me to come back! Oh, and here I am! But, wait. I didn't come here because of you? Oh, I must explain! Can you let me in, dear?" Gwenyth asked as she looked very bitchy in an ensemble of low cut black.  
  
Ben stepped back and Gwen pushed by the gaping figure. "You..here..." he began.  
  
"Oh, darling, would you mind, uh, shutting up now? As I was saying, I'm not here to see you, silly. Where's the fresh meat? I mean, new costar of yours?" she said taking a seat in Ben's chair.  
  
"Who? Oh you must mean me! I'm James, Ben's new costar," James said as she stuck her hand in Gwen's face to shake.  
  
"Go away," Ben mumbled.  
  
"Oh, but I meant that young boy. What's his name? Joe? Jake? John?" she said.  
  
"Josh," James said quickly interrupted her. "My husband, Josh Hartnett."  
  
"Husband? Oh right. I just thought that was a rumor," she said sighing a little bit. "No matter."  
  
"James? Am I allowed to leave?" Josh asked anxiously.  
  
"NO!" James snapped. "Not until I say so."  
  
"Gwen, would you like some, drink?" Ben asked.  
  
"Oh, an Iced Tea with one of those tree things that people in Hawaii have!" Gwen said.  
  
"We're in England," James said.  
  
"James, be a doll and go get Gwen her iced tea," Ben said still staring at Gwen.  
  
"Let YOUR maid do it," she said.  
  
"Fine, Lindsay!" he called. A short woman came running out. "Iced Tea with a tree thing in it," he said cooly.  
  
"Right away, Mr. Affleck," Lindsay said before retreating to the kitchen.  
  
"Leave," Gwen said abpruptly. "All of you, now!" Her voice was so demanding they filed out quickly. Josh was at the end of their line. She grabbed his arm and made him stay.   
  
"James!" He called out after she closed and locked the door.  
  
"She can't hear you, silly," Gwen said.   
  
"Why are you keeping me here?" Josh asked.  
  
"I guess you should know. Okay, anyway, here's the deal. You, will love me. I am irresistable to man. Or something. That's why Ben always talks about me," she said.  
  
"OOOOHHHH," Josh said as though he had just figured out what Einstein meant when he said E=MC2.   
  
"Here's what you're going to do," she said. "Divorce James. Ask me to marry you. We act all happy for a few months. Then I leave and you end up like Ben."  
  
"I don't want to be like Ben," he complained.  
  
James ran over and hugged Josh. "It's okay, you won't end up like Ben. It's okay. SHHH. It's alright," she comforted Josh.  
  
"How did you get in here?" Gwen asked.  
  
"Oh, come on. I had my assistant pick the lock. I heard everything you said, you bitch," James said.  
  
"Damn," Gwen said. The she thought of an argument. "And why would you care? You don't love the boy. A wild night between two drunken partners," Gwen stated. James looked shocked. "Oh, come on. I know everything."  
  
"Well," James said. She sighed. "Okay, everyone come in," she called to the hallway. They filed in, first Ben, then Alec and Christina, then Krysta, next Lance and Cuba, and lastly Kate. "I have an announcement," she proclaimed. Kate leaned against the wall opposite Ben and Gwenyth, the rest stayed in a pack in the center gathered around James. "I, I love Josh. He really is my soulmate. He knows this, because I told him. I was just putting on an act, well I really don't know why. But from now on, Josh and I are a couple and we will be together."  
  
"I thought you were drunk when you said that," Josh said. "Anywho, let's go watch some soccer! Yes! Fun!"  
  
"Wait! Josh, no soccer yet," James warned.  
  
"Aww, shucks," Josh said sitting on the couch.  
  
"That's great, darling James," Cuba said hugging her.  
  
"You love him?" Krysta asked. "We are talking about Josh, right? Not Justin Timberlake or anything."  
  
"Uh, I was talking about Josh," James said.  
  
"Why's Gwen here then?" Ben asked.  
  
Gwen was inching towards the door. "To see you, darling Ben! I've missed you so much," she ran over and hugged Ben.  
  
"Oh, dear, dear Gwenyth. We all know why you are here. It's because," James started.  
  
"Because you wanted to brainwash me and make me be your boyfriend! But I love James!" Josh interrupted.  
  
"You...you love me?" James asked.  
  
"Ya," Josh said giddy.  
  
"I feel...so loved! You love me! I think we should take a trip... to Paris! Honeymoon!" she said very happy with the idea.  
  
"And we can come to!" Christina said, her arm linked with Alec's.  
  
"Sorry, but no. You guys are out there. I mean, really strange. It's just gonna be us. Josh and me. Josh and James. James Hartnett," she giggled.  
  
"Right," Alec said.  
  
"But we still get to go to a soccer game?" Josh asked.  
  
"Of course. We have tickets, don't we?" James said.  
  
"Tickets! Soccer! Yes! Cool beans!" Josh said jumping up and down.  
  
"Do me a favor, darling, and never say cool beans again," James said. "Now what do we do about Gwenyth?"  
  
Everyone looked at Gwenyth. "Ruin her career," Ben said in a loud voice. Everyone stopped and stared at him.  
  
"It's broken," James mumbled. "IT'S BROKEN! The brainwash is broken! He's as normal as Ben is! He's back!" James screamed.  
  
Everyone crowded around Ben. Comments like "Wow," and "Woah," and some other shit that starts with "w" were heard coming from the group. Ben grabs Kate by the waist and pulls her on top of him.  
  
"Kate, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I would never want to voluntarily leave you for Gwen. Never!" he said.  
  
Gwen gasped and ran to the corner, sobbing. Kate, with tear filled eyes, looked around the room. "I can't hold anything against you while that bitch brainwashed you. Of course I'll take you back, Ben! Of course!" Katie said. Then they kissed. Cuba and Lance clapped. Christina and Alec retreated to a corner where they started making out. James and Josh held hands and looked on as the scene unfolded.   
  
"Is it just me, or is this a scene from a corny romantic movie? One that bombs in the box offices and the actors in it want taken off the shelves?" Krysta asked.  
  
"Like what?" James asked.  
  
"Pearl Harbor!" Krysta screamed. She ran out of the house. They never saw her again.  
  
Everyone else lived happily ever after. Josh and James stayed married. Alec and Christina divorced, got back together, broke up, got married again, and that's where they're at now. Cuba and Lance are life partners that own a clothing botique in Beverly Hills. Kate and Ben married in Maui and had six kids, named Ben jr., Kate jr., A.J., Sara, Evelyn, and Holden. They claim, that even though two of their kids have their names and the other four have names of one of their characters from a movie, that they aren't conceited.  
  
Gwen never brainwashed anyone again. No one liked her, so she wasn't in anymore movies. Krysta became a washed up child actor. No one really felt too bad for either of them. 


End file.
